Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
they're like a gay fantastic four
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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