the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
