Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
