There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
