How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
there was a trapeze. enough said
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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