allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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