I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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