I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
