I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
