were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Randomize
