the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
