I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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