wanna go halves on a baby?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
