i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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