i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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