I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
