You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
