I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
