OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
