if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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