all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
