turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
