I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
