Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
