He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
