Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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