I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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