So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Sober January is a disaster.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
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Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
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i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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