Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
