tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
