While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
it's like heaven, but drunker
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize