mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
