just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
