This house was built for laser tag.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
