it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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