I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
