I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
