Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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