so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
