Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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