Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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