a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
