Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
