I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
