i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
