There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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