Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
