yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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