I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
