The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
