What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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